lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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