dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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