I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize