Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
