she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
