omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
