do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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