operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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