He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
