if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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