Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
