There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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