I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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