Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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