i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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