The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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