Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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