She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
