I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize