Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
