you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
