My first STD was from a foam party
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I want a musical about memes.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
