Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
