All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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