I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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