I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
