I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
