i'm lost and i look like a hooker
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
