the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
