i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize