Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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