last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
