I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
