So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My life is pants optional.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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