Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
