If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
