Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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