there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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