it was like his penis was on wheels.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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