He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
