Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
