I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
