Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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