If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
