Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
