What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
