He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
