Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
