I'm jealous of your bromance
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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