Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
