On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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