why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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