I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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