i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
