I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
