I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
