I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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